Le bain : en date avec mon corps que j’aime pas

Récemment, j’ai réalisé quelque chose qui m’a fait de la peine. Malgré qu’il s’agisse de l’un de mes p’tit plaisirs de la vie préférés, depuis que je suis toute petite, chaque fois que je prend mon bain, j’alloue toujours un court moment, sans le vouloir, à détester mon corps. Mon bedon, pour être plus précise. J’essaie habituellement de l’ignorer, de me mettre dans un état de déni volontaire pour me protéger.

Sauf que, une fois dans le bain, c’est impossible de ne pas le voir. C’est comme une date, face à face, avec la partie de mon corps que je déteste le plus. Il est là. Gros. Laid. Je le pince, avec dédain, à l’aide de mon index et de mon pouce. Je le déteste tellement que je lui dis des méchancetés. ​Décrisse tas de graisse, personne te veux ici. Vas-tu partir un jour? Tu me fais vomir tellement t’es laid! T’es AFFREUX! Si vous saviez combien de fois j’ai répété cette action au fils des années sans même réaliser que c’était un ​pattern​ .

Je me vois encore plus jeune dans le bain, à le pincer en pensant l’arracher. Le scénario se répète depuis : enfant, adolescente, jeune adulte, et finalement, aujourd’hui encore, dans ma vie de femme de 27 ans. Tu peux bien dégager toute la confiance du monde, mais maudit que t’es vulnérable toute nue, étendue dans l’bain. Quand j’aperçois mon ventre, des fausses promesses de diète irréaliste surgissent et s’envolent aussitôt le bain terminé. Comme les bulles de mousse qui sont intenses au début, puis quasiment inexistantes à la fin de mon bain. Je soupire en passant à autre chose, mais j’y reviens toujours, malgré moi, lors de mon prochain bain.

 

Est arrivé le jour ou j’en ai eu assez: AS-FUCKING-SEZ. Avec du recul, en vieillissant, j’ai compris que le problème n’est pas mon bedon. Le problème, ce sont mes yeux pervertis par la société, ses publicités, et par un feed instagram trop alterné à coup de f​acetune. Tsé, mon corps a changé au cours de ma vie: j’ai grandi, j’ai maigri, j’ai grossi, mais mon bedon est toujours resté là, fidèle au poste. J’ai pas l’choix de l’accepter. Si j’attend le jour où il ne sera plus là pour m’aimer sous toute mes coutures, ben je vais attendre longtemps en criss.

 

par Camille Rowe @camillelacurieuse
Correction par Masha Katasonov

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